Why am I awake again?

This memory came to mind when I randomly woke up oh, about twenty minutes ago, at 6:15am. I mean, really? I couldn't fall back asleep so I thought I'd record it.

I feel it'd be necessary to background this a little bit. I work at Chilis Bar & Grill, a fact I'm sure most of you are aware of and I have a less than stellar relationship with one of the cooks named Sam, which again, many of you are aware of. We are generally on a constant roller coaster of fighting and acting like we are lovers essentially. This is only in innocent play mind you. It may actually, no probably, come as a shock to those of you who've had to listen to me grumble about this man hear that I playfully joke around with him on occasion. Trust me, this is just my attempt to try to enjoy his company. I'm not lying when I say that the nights regularly end with him screaming at me because I asked him to recook some ribs that he messed up, despite how I previously threw myself all over him.

Anyway, I was sitting in the office with my manager and good friend, Brad, one night cashing out my bar drawer when Sam came to the door. The office door can't be opened from the outside so when he walked up obviously needing something I just stared at him with a sassy grin on my face to see what he would do. About two seconds pass and he starts harshly pointing at me through the window, "GIVE me a towel. Don't make me beat down this door. GIVE me a towel." He then persisted to repeat himself, getting more angry each go around.

He was as serious as he could be too. This wasn't his way of biting back to my sassiness, he really thought he had to yell at me to give him a rag.

After torturing him for about a minute (much to my selfish entertainment) I opened the door. I was sitting in a chair that blocked his path to the towels, and with my non-biological big brother who has threatened to kill men who've looked at me the wrong way/manager standing there Sam couldn't hurl me into the wall like I knew he was just itching to do. With much expression, I smiled, sat back, threw my hands behind my head, and propped my left foot on my right knee. "I'd LOVE to give you a towel, Sam. THANK you for asking me so sweetly." With a final smirk I threw him a couple white rags. He swiped them from the air and slammed the door in annoyance.

Brad kept counting bills and just laughed. "Atta girl, Little Bit. Don't take sh**."

Though this memory stills makes me laugh, I can't help but wonder. What on earth could have happened to this man that caused him to think that he has to be so aggressive to get some cleaning rags?

happy black friday!

"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" played by Eliot Morris. I got chills when I heard him play this live at Workplay. And although this is not the most clean cut version of his performance I hope you will enjoy it too.

Tis' the season. :)

recent meditations.

A line in Misty Edward's acoustic version of "Let Me Love You More" on her Unplugged edition of Relentless has been on my mind and stirring in my heart a lot lately.

"If I never walk on water, if I never see the miracles, if I never hear your voice so loud... well, just knowing that you love me is enough to keep me here, just hearing those words is enough to satisfy."

I hesitated posting this because just reading this line without hearing the song makes it seem trite, or stale I guess. But I can't get over how my love for God has changed in the past three years. I used to be so concerned with having supernatural evidence that I completely missed the point. That God loves me. That He desires me to have joy. That when He says He wants me to marvel at Him, He's talking about marveling at His love for me. Because He knows that will satisfy me more than any miracle He could perform.

How did I miss this? For seven years I've been wishing my family would realize that what I need more than money or gifts is love, support, and validation. That love is the only thing that draws me near. Why did I think it would be any different with God?

My perspective has finally begun to mature, (not that full maturity will ever succeed in this lifetime). And it's certainly by God's grace alone. He's been so patient and kind. He's not just tolerated my ignorance, but loved me extravagantly, as though I were... His own, holy and blameless. :)

no more wasting time in november 2009

My Itunes has been out of order for several months now, so that is why you poor followers have been depraved of my monthly playlists. I'm sure you have all been anxiously awaiting this post.

Alright, so maybe not. Just humor me. :)

Pardon my pride, but I think this month's playlist is especially good. I discovered Rosi Golan recently and can't quite get enough of her.

Also, have you ever been asked the "what song best describes you" question? I certainly have, and each time either pull something out thin air that really doesn't describe me at all or just disappoint my questioner with a shrug. Well, I've finally found that "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley describes me to a t, with the exception that Jenny drops the F bomb twice. And while I do find that word completely crass, I can understand why it might best get the point across. That is, however, as much debatable as besides the point. I mainly said that in case any of you decide to look it up expecting to hear an uplifting worship song or a song some musician like Taylor Swift wrote for his/her devoted and under-appreciated parent.

Here you go...

November 2009

1. Shine- Rosi Golan
2. 1901- Phoenix
3. A Better/Son Daughter- Rilo Kiley
4. As Long You're Not Leaving- Matthew Mayfield
5. Sunday Best- Augustana
6. As Tall As Cliffs- Margot and The Nuclear So & So's
7. Poison & Wine- The Civil Wars
8. I Already Know- Mandi Mapes
9. Hazy- Rosi Golan & William Fitzsimmons
10. The Wind- Cat Stevens
11. Paperweight- Joshua Radin
12. Mr. Tambourine Man- Bob Dylan
13. Been A Long Day- Rosi Golan
14. With Arms Outstretched- Rilo Kiley
15. Down- Jay Sean and Lil Wayne

Yes, I realize #15 is completely random, but sometimes you just have to embrace random and defy social norms. I promise it will make your life much more fulfilling and mold you into the person that God, not society, created you to be. If it really bugs you though, just think how much I could have disrupted the sound flow by plopping that sucker at #9 right behind worship leader Mandi Mapes.

I hope this last real month of the semester treats you well, that studying is successful, and that Ida goes away so we don't have to tread around campus in multicolored goulashes that don't match our outfits.

With love.